I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
