i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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