birth control should be required to get into college
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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