im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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