we have pet lesbian snakes
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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