My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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