i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
