i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
