I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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