i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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