pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
