Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
