I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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