I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
this just has baby written all over it
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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