just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
