he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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