just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It all started with a game of naked twister.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
