I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How does it feel to date your dad?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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