Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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