my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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