I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
