Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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