I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm really busy with my period
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