do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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