yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
