I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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