I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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