someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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