Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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