I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
