hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
