Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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