3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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