I faked an abortion last night.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
