walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
