Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
