You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
