that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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