totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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