yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
