her vagina looked like bernie madoff
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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