Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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