I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The best revenge is premature balding
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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