i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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