you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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