Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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