Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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