Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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