shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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