He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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