Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
