i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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