note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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