The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
