WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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