Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
