i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
