You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so let's talk penis.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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